How Should I Help Someone With Anxiety?

Do you understand how anxiety manifests in different people?

Have you asked your friend what type of support they prefer?

Do you force someone to confront their anxious thoughts?

Do you try to validate the concerns of your friend?

We’re wired to respond to fear by either fight, flight, or freeze. For different people, one of these responses will typically dominate. When you understand that anxiety is designed to put us into a mode of threat sensitivity, it’s easier to understand someone who is feeling scared (or stressed) and acting out by being irritable or defensive, and to find compassion for them. By paying attention to how anxiety manifests in the person you care about, you can learn their patterns and be in a better position to help.

It’s best to ask someone what type of support they prefer rather than guess! This could include helping the anxious person break tasks down into manageable steps, or talking through specific options for how to deal with a difficult situation, like how to respond to an angry email, but still acknowledging their autonomy and independence while doing so. Other people are more likely to prefer emotional support, especially those who are securely attached, or who have a “preoccupied” attachment style due to a fear of being abandoned or of their emotions being overwhelming to others.

It’s not good to force a person to do something they’re scared of. Trying to push somebody who’s not ready can damage that relationship. Learning how to overcome deep apprehension is work best done in partnership with a professional therapist. This takes the burden off you. It also empowers your loved one by helping them face their fears one step at a time with guidance from somebody with experience.

Many different things can make people anxious. Saying something like, “I can’t believe you’re getting upset over such a small thing” belittles a person’s experience. Instead, ask your loved one how you can provide support during challenging moments. Their anxiety doesn’t have to make sense to you — it’s important to understand that what the person is experiencing is real and requires sensitivity.

Recognize that your goal is to help, not to cure the person or relieve them from their anxiety. Taking too much responsibility is actually a symptom of anxiety, so make sure you’re not falling into that trap yourself. Keep in mind that your support doesn’t need to be directly focused on anxiety. Helping someone with anxiety isn’t always easy and you may feel like you’re getting it wrong. But, if you remind yourself that you and your loved one are both doing your best, it can help you keep things in perspective.